All Around Me
by Sakura Sango
Summary: After the death of Dee, Ryo falls into a deep depression. One that threatens to swallow him alive; however a savior comes from an unlikely source. Rose/Ryo
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** All Around Me  
**Author:** Sakura Sango  
**Rated:** M  
**Warnings:** Character death, angst  
**Pairings:** Dee/Ryo and then later Ryo/Rose  
**Summary:** After the death of Dee, Ryo falls into a deep depression. One that threatens to swallow him alive; however a savior comes from an unlikely source. Rose/Ryo  
**A/N:** This was a request from Katy, I hope this meets what you were hoping for when you told me the plot. The bunny kinda took over and wrote the first chapter out this way.

Anyways any reviews would be wonderful, as I am wondering how this chapter sounds. Feedback is wonderful!

_x-x-x-  
_"_If only tears could bring you back to me  
If only love could find a way  
What I would do, what I would give  
If you returned to me someday  
Somehow, someway  
If my tears could bring you back to me"  
~'If Only Tears Could Bring You Back' by Midnight Sons  
__x-x-x-_

'_Uhm, Randy Mclean right?'_

Ryo nods numbly as he stares at the blank wall before him. He stares silently for a second as his face twists, as if he wanted to say something, but had to think of the words. Slowly his mouth opens as he forced his mind to come up with the words he wants to say.

He has no idea why, but he just feels so disconnected, his mind is blurry. He almost can swear that he is watching this happen through someone else's eyes, as if he is watching a movie. Nothing feels real. Nothing. The only other time he could remember feeling like this was…

Ryo stops for a second to think about the last time he really did feel like this. It had been a while, he realizes, but when exactly?

Suddenly it hits him like a ton of bricks, the last time he can remember feeling so disconnected was when he had lost his parents.

And for a brief second the young man can feel his heart break into a hundred pieces as the realization hits him. He knows that this was happening again. And he knows that he cannot go through this again. Not again.

Slowly Ryo shakes his head as he tries to tell himself this is not true, he is not loosing anyone else. But still he can not shake away the dreadful feeling, he had been there after all. He saw. He watched it happen!

That is when he realizes he still has not talked to the officer, who is still waiting patiently for him to speak. "Just Ryo." He whispers, his voice is already cracking.

'_Of course, Ryo. Ryo you should sit down for this,_'

Chestnut hair shakes as Ryo fell against the pure white wall. A hand slides up to his mouth as he tries to keep from throwing up his lunch. His body was already convulsing with dry heaves, bile burning in the back of his throat.

Beside him he can see the blue clad officer shuffle his foot, as if trying to decide if he should offer a shoulder or even a hand to the distraught man. Ryo has to bite his lip to keep from pushing away the officer, who was clearly new at giving bad news.

Instead he ties to focus on his breathing; he forces his lungs to keep taking in new air, even if it hurts him to do so. '_Breath in deeply to fill the lungs, and breath that air out before you faint_,' silently he reminds himself that if keeps up that pace, forcing himself to repeat the next step before his body could even think of refusing, he will get through this night. Icy fingers grip at his heart and lungs making each beat and breath agonizing.

Part of him wishes that he could just stop breathing, it would make his life so much less painful. Fingers that are clamped tightly to his mouth, twitch slightly as he thinks of the revolver that is still sitting snugly in his holster. Even that has to be less painful then this.

As if knowing what he was thinking, the cop slides closer to the distraught man, a hand falling comfortingly onto the shaking shoulder, while his other hand silently pulls the glistening gun away from the Ryo. Smoothly he tucks it into the back of his pants waistline, out of sight and out of mind.

'_but there was an accident with Dee._'

How the hell could that be considered an accident? Ryo really would like someone to answer that to him. This was no freakin' accident. And the cop knew that too! It was not like Dee had been driving and took a turn too fast. No this was no accident, instead an act of violence.

He wants to shout out the last thought, force the new cop to agree that this was not an accident. It had stopped being one when the fourth bullet slammed into his lover's body.

It stopped being an accident when Dee dropped his weapon, after the first bullet slammed into his left shoulder and fell to the ground.

It stopped being an accident when the gunman calmly walked closer to the fallen man and took aim for the next three bullets, making sure that each one of those three caused the most harm.

If it had been an accident the gunman should have dropped his weapon and cry as he fell to his knees. The gunman should have shouted about how sorry he was.

Not sneer as he dropped his emptied gun to the ground and raise his hands as to keep the cops from shooting at him. Not laugh about how fragile the police really were while staring at how Ryo cradled Dee's bloodied form close to his chest, tears falling onto the paling cheek.

No…not an accident, Ryo thinks coldly, the sneering voice in his head sounding cruel and dark, as silent sobs seized his body, making it slam harshly into the wall.

'_I'm so sorry Ryo, the doctors tried everything they could. Please believe me._'

Tears well up in black eyes as the man feels his knees buckle under him. And like a limp doll he falls to the floor below, his body never reacts to the thud as his knees connect harshly to the cold, tiled floor below.

As quickly as his anger had welled up inside of him, Ryo feels it leave, leaving nothing more then a broken man who can only cry at the thought of being alone.

He knows that he is making a scene, that every person standing at this hospital is suffering just like him- even if they have not lost a loved one. Yet Ryo cannot find it in him to try to pull himself together.

'_But there was just too much damage. I'm sorry Ryo, believe me I am. But Dee didn't make it. He…_'

Ryo cannot listen to the rest of the police officer's speech. Besides he knows what it means, he knew from the frist second. How many has he given to grieving families? How many times did he explain that he knew the pain that they were feeling. But only now did he realizes that he never truly did, even with the death of his parents, he realizes that this type of loss and hurt is so much different. No one could. At least not until they have gone through it.

It was a simple robbery! How could a seasoned officer die at a routine robbery? He was no newbie that was trying to learn the ropes. He knew them!

Ryo wants to run into the small room where his dead lover is lying right now and shake him. Shake and scream at him for going and getting killed. Getting killed over a stupid crime.

Robbery? That was not Dee, maybe him but not Dee, Ryo thinks sourly as he shakes his head violently.

Chestnut tresses fly out as his once silent sobs break into a heart wrenching sob.

Fingers clutch at his hair tightly as Ryo leans forward folding in half as he presses his forehead to the chilled floor. The coolness helps to clear his head a little, yet he can still feel himself wanting to scream at the stupidness of it all!

How could a simple robbery cause this much pain?! Who would shoot so violently at a cop while holding up a stupid family owned convince store?

A broken scream breaks from the sobbing man as it finally hits him. No matter how hard he tries to ignore it Ryo knows that nothing is ever going to change this moment. No amount of denial will change the past.

Dee was gone. Killed in action.

'_And I'm all alone!_' Ryo realizes as he digs fingers tighter into his hair. Right now he cannot focus on the cop who is trying to calm him down or the nurse rushing towards him.

All he knows is that he will never get to kiss his lover good night before curling up in bed. Never get to wake up feeling the warmth beside him. Morning coffee would never be made while he grabs a quick shower. Ryo realizes that even their stupid arguments would never exist ever again.

_x-x-x-_

And that is the first chapter. I know horrible place to end it, but I kind of wanted to end on a sad note- as if it can get happy right away. Anyways I don't know about this chapter, I may go back and tweak it later. This was more of a sudden inspiration then anything else. So please! Feedback is much needed.

Updates should be coming soon!

But hey I got a good amount of depressin songs to use for the beginnings. Hey, about time the songs came in handy…


	2. Chapter 2

I am so soooo sorry for the delay in this chapter. I meant to have it out sooner but life got in the way and then my laptop died and so writing was nearly impossible. However now I am ready to go!

Thank you everyone who reviewed, I love you all! Eat cookies from me!!

So let's begin! Also Chapter 1 was changed slightly, since my writing has changed (right now I seem to be stuck in this mode of writing so I made the first chapter fit), there isn't any huge changes, just minor. You don't have to reread it for this to make sense.

_x-x-x-  
_"_Empty spaces fill me up with holes__  
Distant faces with no place left to go  
Without you within me  
I can't find no rest  
Where I'm going is anybody's guess"  
~ 'Incomplete' by BackStreet Boys  
x-x-x-_

Each morning, as the sun hits his face, Ryo wakes into a recurring nightmare. A nightmare that just refuses to end. Every morning, as he stretches out his arm across the empty bed, and he reaches the edge the young man remembers that his lover is dead.

Each movement fills Ryo with painful memories. As he stumbles to the bathroom, after an hour of crying harshly into his pillow until his eyes are dry and his throat is raw, he stares at the second neon green toothbrush.

Teeth clench tightly, clacking hard enough to give him a headache that resides just behind his temples and thumps with his raised pulse, as he stares at it. Anger courses his body and floods his brain, and for a second he can see red as he grabs the thin toothbrush and holds it over the garbage can.

He should toss it out, throw it away already. Dee is never coming back. The bastard had made sure of that on that fateful day. It's already been a week and he should start to pack away his lover's belongings. But…

Sighing Ryo can only set the toothbrush back down, in exactly the same position it had been- right down the last millimeter- as he walks out of the bathroom.

Everything is just how Dee has left it in the apartment, right down to the dirty laundry tossed around in the bedroom. His dirty coffee cup is still on the counter, though it had been partially cleaned before Ryo could scream at the poor woman- who had thought she was truly helping him- to leave it alone.

Ringing from the clock in the living room alerts Ryo to the time. He's already three hours late for work. Normally he would care, his mind would be wracked with grief and guilt as he ran around in a frantic hurry to try to get ready. Chuckling dryly Ryo could remember the first day that him and Dee had slept in and ended up fifteen minutes late; Ryo had spent the next three hours apologizing to _everyone_ he met up with.

But now…

Now he could barely find the energy to care as he stares at the kitchen. Normally the snow white walls and light blue curtains made the small space seem so inviting. Ryo always loved his kitchen, loved to cook for him, Dee and Binky.

However now the bright and cheery colors seemed to be mocking him, laughing at his pain and suffering. Fists clench at his hair as he tries to keep from crying again. He's tired of crying, he's tired of hurting.

Ryo feels so many feelings but cannot think of anything to do make them feel better. He's tired of feeling tired. His throat and stomach hurt from the tears he's cried. His head pounds in a relentless headache that medicine can never fully cure.

And he's tired of feeling nauseous. The young man wants nothing more then to be able to sit down and eat a full meal without crying about having to eat alone, or having to run for the bathroom as his body heaves. It's been almost four days since he last ate. 'There's no point of eating if it won't stay down,' was his reasoning as Ryo put away his cookware for the last time.

Even now, on the verge of falling over in exhaustion and hunger, Ryo still cannot find the energy or strength to even figure out what to eat.

He's just so happy that Drake had Binky stay at his house, taking care of a grieving child was the last thing that Ryo was prepared for. He had to get himself in order before he could care for another person.

Another chime of the clock reminds Ryo, again, that he is incredibly late for work; and is becoming later with each passing second that he sits here at the empty kitchen table. Off in his bedroom he can hear his cell phone ringing with what he can only guess is worried employees making sure that he is still living.

"I'm breathing," he answers to the empty room as his head falls into his arms, cradled on the smooth wooden table top, "but I don't think I'm alive. I'm just waiting for my mind to agree with my body."

_x-x-x-_

Pounding on the front door wakes Ryo from where he has fallen asleep at the table. Fresh tear trails stain his cheeks, a tell-tale sign that he has been crying again. Angrily he slaps them away, his cheeks stinging as fists and palms slam into his tender flesh.

"Shut up!" He mutters at the door. Ryo refuses to answer it, knowing that either a uniformed cop will be standing there checking on him or a worried friend would barge in to check on him. And he does not feel like entertaining either option.

Everyone can assume that he's dead. It would be helpful for them and him. Then when he did die the pain would be lessened.

Ryo can never remember feeling this bad. He's certain that he felt horrible when his parents died, hell he felt partially guilty at the time. But for whatever reason, the mind numbing pain is a memory he cannot recall. Did he cry the days after their funeral? Ryo cannot remember as he lies his head back on crossed arms.

Guilt creeps inside of him as he tries to remember just how he had felt during that time. Did he really feel less to his own flesh and blood then to his lover, when he was faced with death?

The knocking becomes more incessant and for a brief moment Ryo almost considers running to the bathroom to swallow a bottle of Dee's anxiety medication. Just so the annoying knocker could be right about something.

Seriously did no one have a small bit of faith in him that he was not going to off himself in the next couple of days. He was not seriously considering offing himself, Ryo knew that Dee would find him in the afterlife and give the man hell for it.

Again his cell phone goes off, his merry tone echoing throughout the small apartment, only to be drowned out as the knocker pounded on the door again.

"Dee," he mutters as eyes grow heavy again. Ryo swears he sleeps all day and still his body craves more. "I wish you were here now."

Faintly, off in the distance of his sleep fogged mind, Ryo can swear he hears the front door open. The squeaky hinge giving the intruder away. Yet he still cannot find it in himself to care.

'_Just go away_' Ryo screams silently as he raises his head towards the door. Still he does not care who it is, but curiosity just makes him have to look.

Mentally he's ready for an uniformed clad officer to come in, ready to hear some pathetic speech again about how someone is worried about him. However what he was not ready for was the curly blond hair that he sees poking in to the small living room.

The world spins as Ryo, shocked by seeing his boss, jumps up out of the chair that had become his temporary bed. The wooden chair falls back from his quick rising and clatters to the floor. The crash echoes in the silent apartment, albeit for the clock ticking the seconds away in the distance.

A gasp falls from his lips as the crash brings his superior's attention to him. Frantically Ryo shakes his head, desperate to keep prying eyes off of him. Especially…

Especially when they are filled with the sadness and angst that Berkley's were filled with. Shakily the young man steps back, desperately hoping that it can keep him from the prying eyes. Feet shake as they press on the chilled tiled floor and Ryo can feel his strength quickly leaving.

Exhaustion, hunger and depression finally get the best of the young man as he feels the blood rush out of his face. For one last brief second Ryo can feel the world spin as his knees give out on him. The last thing he sees before the world goes black is Berkley's worried face, and that last flash fills him with overwhelming guilt.

In the brief amount of time it takes for him to crash to the floor, he feels his heart break in half, knowing that he has caused that pained look. And for a brief second he wishes that he could never wake again, so he can never hurt anyone ever again.

_x-x-x-_

Ack sorry for the ending, my muse dried up right now. So I'll write more in the next chapter! Reviews are loved as always!


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